@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

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@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@GrantTanaka

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

@Darlainky

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

@Sassafrantz

Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.