But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
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Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
ME: I knew it!
Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?
*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*
Interviewer: you’re just what we need