@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

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@ThatManBobScott

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing

@sammyrhodes

Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.

@panmidwest

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@WildeThingy

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@internetluke

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

@burnie

Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need