@agathagotstoned

What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?

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@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@kyry5

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@ScottLinnen

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

@impaulmccoy

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.