LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
work smarter, not harder
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE