Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
i wish i could marry a nap
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My friend is an excellent librarian.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm