@prufrockluvsong

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

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@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@Diversion50

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

@dafloydsta

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

@TheBoydP

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

@Parentpains

Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.

@RickAaron

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

@PinkCamoTO

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot