@mllebeckyrose
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
@prufrockluvsong
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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@mllebeckyrose
@envydatropic
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
@Diversion50
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
@dafloydsta
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
@TheBoydP
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
@Mom_Overboard
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
@Parentpains
Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.
@RickAaron
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
@PinkCamoTO
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
@JohnHilsen
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot