@awkwardphilippe 9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
@prufrockluvsong What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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@awkwardphilippe 
@shanethevein Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.
@JermHimselfish Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
@sixfootcandy (Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
@AnniemuMary Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
@CantWaitToNap Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
@MBlackman37 Trump: What caused the Civil War?
Aide: Slavery.
Aide 2: Slavery.
Aide 3: Slavery.
DeVos: Bears.
@iQuoteComedy “Are you ok?” “No, I’m bleeding because its fun.”
@NotthatAdamWest If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
@VestaTot My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.