@prufrockluvsong

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

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@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

@JermHimselfish

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

@sixfootcandy

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

@CantWaitToNap

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@MBlackman37

Trump: What caused the Civil War?

Aide: Slavery.

Aide 2: Slavery.

Aide 3: Slavery.

DeVos: Bears.

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@VestaTot

My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.