9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Trump: What caused the Civil War?
Aide 2: Slavery.
Aide 3: Slavery.
“Are you ok?” “No, I’m bleeding because its fun.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.