What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.