What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’ve been learning to cook.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.