@abbycohenwl

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

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@clemdytan

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

@Playing_Dad

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@ThatEggChick

I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.

@bIessbaby

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

@daemonic3

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

@dumbbeezie

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@mydmac

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.