What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
You Might Also Like
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
set yourself free xox
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.