What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™