what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.