What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen