what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO