What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.

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calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-but makes me look pathetic


BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.


“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”


got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day


A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.


4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*


clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond


Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.


*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*