@HeyZeus666

What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.

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@danadonly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

@PAT_E_ROCK

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@Kristen_Arnett

got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day

@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@Gupton68

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

@wolfpupy

clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond

@caroline_umc

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.

@Sir_Strange

*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*