Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁