What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Siri: Retweet me.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
me
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”