What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.