What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.