What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus