What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My circle of trust is a meatball