What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius