*sees hot guy
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens
*mouths* “call me”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took
My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.