@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

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@Smooheed

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

@notmythirdrodeo

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@Jennabear32819

A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!

@bazlyons

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

@Darlainky

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

@wendchymes

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

@KKAlThani

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took