What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!