What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”


My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!


‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.


*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?


It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza


Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took