“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

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[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”


I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.


I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…


sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.


me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals


Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?


Y’all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I’m in the future watching it in 3D


I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.


Some days you’re the cap’n crunch and some days you’re the roof of the mouth.


I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.