“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.