Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?
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I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible
huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep
Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
cop: you’re free to go
cop: go on now
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!