@UrMindBlown

What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?

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@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@DaddyJew

I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible

@ellorysmith

huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

@AngelaEhh

Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.

@wesjohnson8

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

@TheSeanBrewster

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@humanaaron

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

@sixfootcandy

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!