Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.