@UrMindBlown

What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?

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@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@Royal_Stein

I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.

@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@LostFelicia

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

@RadOrDie

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

@ClichedOut

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@topaz006

I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.