What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?

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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.


I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible


huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep


Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.


The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.


Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”


I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.


cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please


me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(


[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!