How to decorate for Halloween:
1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find.
2: Slam it down on your ex’s head.
3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.
What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
People are allowed to change their mind, I whisper, as I reach for a third Cinnabon.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Worst. Cruise. Ever. – Katie Holmes
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more