@UrMindBlown

What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?

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@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@BuckyIsotope

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

@crissymilazzo

yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@abbycohenwl

-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim

@MavenofHonor

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

@living_marble

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]