As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?
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Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book
This anger management class is pissing me off.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim
A seahorse walks into a bar and dies immediately.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]