What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.