Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great