What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79