What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.