What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what