what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!