Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%
Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.