@Kateness8

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

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@jenyb4

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

@tigersgoroooar

Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true

@valerie_tosi

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

@Shaydozer

At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%

@michaelianblack

Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@Bratterina

A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.