what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.


Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.


I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.


Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true


Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.


At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%


Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.


I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.


A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.