what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh