what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts