@crocodilethumbs

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

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@offbeatoliv

It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.

@h0tmessmama

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

@tracietom

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

@petemandik

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

@Jake_Vig

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

@ArfMeasures

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition