what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”