what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.