I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.