[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
nobody’s gonna understand
Pickled cat.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Tammy is short for Tamuel