what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead


Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage

Me: for the last 7 years


Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.


Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.


Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done


My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.


GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..


Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.


When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping