what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Still cracks me up
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in