Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
is it earth
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
concern
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
umm…
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating