[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Only a mother’s love …
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that