Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
For cardio I live beyond my means.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler