@ghostovpiss

what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.

@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

@ItsAndyRyan

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

@SocialExtortion

fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river

@WilliamAder

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.

@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.