what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

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If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.


If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.


*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*


Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”


fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river


I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.


They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.


Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.