Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Webb. James Webb.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?