What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“TGIM!” – My liver