What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

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Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.


One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.


FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*


-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]


Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.


*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.


Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho


I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.


Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.


I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life