Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
*receives text from wife
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho
I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.
Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life