What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’m confused about plants
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
damn he’s good
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser