What if the missing plane is still up there?
Did you check the sky?
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.

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I always keep an old key and a map with random X’s all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.


They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.


harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets


My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.


I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.


Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays


me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying


Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?


King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs