me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain