@robfee

What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??

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@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

@CopernicusG

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

@FavoritesYou

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

@whatmaddness

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

@ItsAndyRyan

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

@CaptainObtuse

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]