The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Bread puns are on the rise!
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
how it started vs how it ended