What if the weather talks about us?
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
The Others (2001)
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair