What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one