What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.