@jazz_inmypants
@josePhDhoran
I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!
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@josePhDhoran
@GorillaNipples1
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
@DearAuntAbby
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
@GensPlace
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
@AndyRichter
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
@PettyRuxpin83
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
@ItsAndyRyan
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
@coral_dew
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
@Bob_Lesh
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
@WillociRaptor
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”