@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

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@josePhDhoran

I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!

@GorillaNipples1

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

@DearAuntAbby

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

@GensPlace

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

@coral_dew

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

@Bob_Lesh

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

@WillociRaptor

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”