There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
she has a point
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!